Dude, you’re getting a headache!

Based on a true story

Friend: Dude, you’re getting a Dell! Here it is, now take it out of the box! Happy Birthday to you!

User: Oh, man, that’s great, dude! Thanks so much for getting me this computer that will enable my human productivity. Hey, wait a minute, it won’t turn on? It was working yesterday, but today I can’t get it to start up… What gives?

Support: Oh, dude, sorry, but your motherboard seems to have failed. No worries, we’ll send out a technician to install a refurbished one for you at no cost. It’s not a known or systemic issue based on our corporate gaslighting script.

Technician: Ah, dude, I’m sorry, but the motherboard was defective. Fun fact, we see like up to 1/3 of the refurbished motherboard replacements damaged in shipping by the time they reach a technician. So… this may not fix the problem, and we highly recommend you send it into the Depot, even though you paid an extra $300 (+25%) for NBD on-site service…

Support: Ok, dude! The motherboard is all set now after the technician installed another refurbished one!!! Phew!!! You should be able to get back to work on this hog!

User: But, wait, what the heck??? The touchpad is acting funky on this machine; it’s not clicking on one of the buttons. Also, it looks like a few screws are missing, so the case is opening slightly. Why are these wires showing near the hinges? What gives man?

Support: It looks like the technician may have had some issues assembling the machine. We’ll send a technician back to assemble the machine for you properly. Sorry, they’ll do things like always call you instead of the user, blow off your appointments because they have over a dozen per-day, not wire things up properly in a rush. Be ready for anything!

User: Ok, dude, thanks. It looks like I’m finally ready to go! But wait, something’s up with my 5Ghz Wireless. I can’t seem to stay online; it keeps disconnecting. My company’s support says they can’t use the remote agents due to the instability issues. My laptop doesn’t have a ethernet post to use as a backup. What am I going to do?

Support: Wait one sec; it looks like you’re on the 10.70.0 version of the Intel driver delivered by our Update Tool. That one has a known issue where Wireless 5Ghz networks are severely impacted. Since this machine does not have a network card, you’ll have to load it using a USB stick with the new driver to get this newly updated fix on the device. No big deal! Just find another machine to download it to a USB drive, and you’re back on the road!

Friend: Huh? Sorry man, I didn’t know they would sell you a wireless-only computer that doesn’t work out of the box. Why don’t they open the boxes back up to update them instead of making you deal with it? That’s shitty, man.

User: It’s ok, man. I’m just glad that I finally got everything sorted out. I can’t wait to have a Zoom call with my family. I meant to do that a week ago, but I ran into all of these issues. Here goes nothing!! (Dialing)

User: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

Family: Hi, we can’t hear you! Can you hear us?

User: Hello? Hello? Dammit, why can’t they hear me? I’m using the on-board microphone.

Support: Oh, dude, sorry, you’re running the 8.1.444 version of the RealTek audio drivers delivered by our Update Tool. There’s a known issue where the microphone crashes until you install the Maxx Audio application. Just load that from our support site, and you’re good to go, dude!

Ex-Friend: Dude!!! You look like you’ve got a headache! Are you OK?

User: