Based on a true story
Friend: Dude, you’re getting a Dell! Here it is, now take it out of the box! Happy Birthday to you!
User: Oh, man, that’s great, dude! Thanks so much for getting me this computer that will enable my human productivity. Hey, wait a minute, it won’t turn on? It was working yesterday, but today I can’t get it to start up… What gives?
Support: Oh, dude, sorry, but your motherboard seems to have failed after 24-hours of using the device. No worries, we’ll send out a technician to install a refurbished one for you at no cost. I can’t really say it’s a known or systemic issue for corporate gaslighting purposes.
Technician: Ah, dude, I’m sorry, but the motherboard was damaged in shipping. Fun fact, we see like up to 1/3 of those failed by the time they reach the technician. What a pain, huh?
Support: Ok, dude! The motherboard is all set now after the technician installed another refurbished one!!! Phew!!! You should be able to get back to work on this hog!
User: But, wait, what the heck??? The touchpad is acting funky on this machine; it’s not clicking on one of the buttons. Also, it looks like one of your screws is missing, so the case is opening slightly. Why are these wires showing near the hinges? What gives man?
Support: It looks like the technician may have had some issues assembling the machine. We’ll send a technician back to assemble the machine for you properly. These are non-Dell employee contractors who service multiple companies. Sorry, they’ll do things like always call you instead of the user, blow off your appointments, not wire up properly, and leave other devices broken. Be ready for anything!
User: Ok, dude, thanks. It looks like I’m finally ready to go! But, wait, something’s up with my 5Ghz Wireless. I can’t seem to stay online; it keeps disconnecting. Support says they can’t use the remote agents due to the instability issues. My laptop doesn’t have a network card. What am I going to do?
Support: Wait, one sec, it looks like you’re on the 10.70.0 version of the intel driver out of the box. That one has a known version where Wireless networks don’t work at all. Since this machine does not have a network card, you’ll have to load it using a USB stick with the new driver to get this newly updated fix on the device. No big deal! Just find another machine to download it from, and you’re back on the road!
Friend: Huh? Sorry man, I didn’t know they would sell you a wireless-only computer that doesn’t work out of the box. Why don’t they open the boxes back up to update them instead of making you deal with it? That’s shitty, man.
User: It’s ok, man. I’m just glad that I finally got everything sorted out. I can’t wait to have a Zoom call with my family. I meant to do that a week ago, but I ran into all of these issues. Here goes nothing!! (Dialing)
User: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
Family: Hi, we can’t hear you! Can you hear us?
User: Hello? Hello? Dammit, why can’t they hear me? I’m using the on-board microphone.
Support: Oh, dude, sorry, you’re running the 8.1.444 version of the RealTek audio drivers. There’s a known issue where the microphone doesn’t work until you install the Maxx Audio application. Just load that from our support site, and you’re good to go, dude!
Ex-Friend: Dude!!! You look like you’ve got a headache! Are you OK?