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How to drive like a psychopath

This may belong on ‘How to Risk Others Peoples Lives’, ‘How to Become a Statistic’, ‘How To Drive Using Your Endocrine System’, or ‘ Dark Triad Driving School’ for those who drive dangerously.

I sometimes say to myself “They’re going to bury you in that vehicle one day” to some of the people who drive by me on the roads today. Do they drive that way because they have never hit or anything, or maybe it’s been too long since the last wake up call? It’s hard to write about it without considering a page dedicated to examples of how many crazy psychopaths there are on the road today.

Symptoms:

You connect your brain chemicals to your driving tendencies

You’re ability to evaluate risk is skewed towards homicide

You have lost consideration for other peoples lives

A blatant disregard for the right of others to safely share the road

The Moves:

Pack Leader: The fastest dog in the pack always in the fast-lane unless they’re passing other people to get back in the fast lane. The key here is they don’t want anybody in front of them. The pack leader considers everyone in the forward direction as being in the way. You go 90; they go 100, you go 120, they blow all four tires, hit a wall, and kill a family to make it there 5 minutes quicker. You usually find this person being hauled away in pieces or completely unharmed while others suffer the consequences.

Bare Knuckle Brawler – Approaches quickly with hands up inviting a fistfight. He’s a regular Mike Tyson with his license back in the ’90s. Usually can’t fight just overpower you onto a vehicle and wrestle around a bit. He’s feeling the rush of adrenaline over just about anything that doesn’t go his way. Too bad he didn’t bring two pairs of gloves and an inflatable wrestling ring. He’ll just punch your hood instead of on his way to do a shot of steroids at the gym.

Window Stalker – Walks up to the window just trying to talk while aggressively yelling, pointing, and trying to accost you on the side of the road. They’ll parade around in front of your car looking at their phone in distress as if they’re waiting for a pot of angry chemicals to stop boiling. It’s the adrenaline that boosted them from the driver’s seat; now they don’t know what to do. Wait a few minutes while the passenger jumps out and tries to reign them in…

Rustbox Radical – Goes 110 in a lawnmower in the fast lane with duct tape flapping off the bumper(s). Doors are different colors from other panels if they exist. One or more donuts and aftermarket stickers, stripes, and lots of bumper stickers. Chain smokes cigarettes, or hotboxes with vape juice often listening to Kottonmouth Kings, ICP, or Gangster Rap with a rattling trunk.

Big Truck Nuts Muerica You know who I’m talking about. Not only does a truck make you ‘higher’ than other people it makes you feel like you’re ‘looking down’ on your fellow Muericans. All you’re doing is driving a bigger missile that’s riskier to the people around you when it careens into the other lanes hitting people head-on. Your loud, smokestack, chopped exhaust, honkey-tonk horn is entirely predictable behavior. Throw some horns on the front of that bad boy!

(Note: Camera recording is standard for any generation as a part of these encounters)

To be continued…

One Comment

  1. Ted Teste Ted Teste

    A truly awesome website.

    I have read many of your posts on this website. It matches my thinking. I hope it is a cathartic website for you. It made my day thinking that someone else is also as screwed as my opinion of the world and working in technology now.

    Good luck to you bro.

    COVID working from home has allowed me to have the technique for stress release when dealing with difficult people on the phone for tech support is to put them on mute while I say what should really be stated if I didn’t need to keep my job.

    Try it you might like it at least anyone else in the room might ask you how the hell you are still employed and get a laugh.

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